。。。您感觉不到爱的时候，您就会去寻找爱。
I am a mother. A mother of one kid. A wife. A wife to one husband. But when you no longer feel the love from your husband, you seek love from somewhere else. For me, I seek warmth and love from God. He is the only who doesn't forsaken me and always been there to give me unconditional love. Humans err. They sin. It is not as though we wanted it that way but we were all born that way. That is why we need God to be in our lives. To lead us into the righteous path. To do things in His way.
Fear. Yes, that is what I am feeling now. Insecure.
"... the links... enjoying being popular..." My husband's every action and behaviour has shown he has strayed, at least in my own context. Yard stick he called it. I trust him but still there is still a slim chance of 1% that he will stray COMPLETELY. Women, don't you all agree with me?
It takes two hands to clap. Sometimes we may do it unintentionally but our body language may send out a wrong signals to others. You are saying I am thinking too much? I hope I am and that my worries will never come true.
He has changed. He used to dote on me. He used to try but he didn't bother now. He has his own social circle and he is loving it. He comes home late during weekday nights. My mom asked, "He's working late again?" I just smiled in reply. You mean I should just say that he's out there enjoying life with his colleagues. But I must say it isn't every time that he stayed away from home because of dates with his colleagues. Perhaps he was trying to escape. Or worse, he was seeking "fun" and "love" somewhere else.
I feel unloved. He used to email and sms me but now he doesn't. I am not blaming him because again, it takes two hands to clap. It is my fault, he said. I am trying. He said I didn't hear what Dr Wong, Dr Ong or even the priest said.
But I need a place where I can pour out my feelings. I don't think anyone bothers to read this blog of mine anymore. Not even my own husband. And yes, he said he got hooked on to FB because of my own addiction to it.
I felt distant. But what to do? I told him and he got defensive. He doesn't bother to try to understand my feelings and needs. He doesn't. It's my fault. I can only feel the deep hole with God's love. If ever there is #2 on the way, I will not tell my husband till first trimester is over. It shall be the little secret between me and the little beanie.
I am sinking into my own shit hole.